Foxy Lady Creations: Generation X Geriatric mum

I have everything to live for, I have a beautiful daughter, a kind, supportive partner, and a new baby that I adore (our 3 month old kitten Molly). My other half (OH from now on) has a good job and only a 10 minute walk away, we live on the out skirts of a prestigious market town, and own our home (albeit Narrow-boat Foxy Lady). We are financially in a position for me not to work, and still have a good life style. I have been to Australia, and Qatar to visit family in the last 2 years, and I have flights to Australia again for this Easter, so long as the Corona virus doesn't impact upon it. I am in good health, attractive (when I bother with make-up) and in general a bubbly personality. My parents are still alive, and fit and married nearly 50 years. I have a great circle of friends, some of which I would now call family. I also live surrounded by a great community, from as close as the moorings, to West fields, and indeed throughout Newbury and West Berks, I am also part of the colourful, nurturing boating community.

I have skills and talents that some people would give their right arm for. I can make clothes, I can sing, I am funny and can cook like Nigella Lawson, my neighbours actually refer to me as the domestic goddess (move over Anthea Turner).
I live off grid, and therefore have minimal impact on the environment, apart from my recent trips abroad,which if anything is to help my mental health. I might add, and too ease my guilt I didn't not take any air travel for 10 years
So why? Why? did I end up with depression and anxiety?
I am not a qualified psychiatrist, but having suffered for a few years now with these conditions, and through life experience have a few possible answers. I think partly, it is because of my DNA, I am a 'creative', and with that comes highs and lows.
People who are naturally creative, are fortunate, and unfortunate at the same time.
Creativity can bring you a sense of achievement, it can heighten your dopamine, it connects you to other people, as you are doing something for others, to share with others, be it music, art, dance or the written word. Have I missed anything? anyway you get my drift. Equally, it brings the opposites of those, as you may feel pressure to produce, and fear of failure, you seek for your work to be admired, and of use to someone.
I am an achiever, and I like to please. Prior to having my daughter nearly ten years ago, I lived a full and energetic life, I worked hard, and I certainly played hard. I had a managerial role in the Employment Sector, I was studying for my 3rd Degree, I would go to the gym, and liked to party. My goal had always been to get a good career behind me, then have a child and probably return to work, slipping back into where I left off. I'm trying to get across that I have always worked hard and strived to be successful, and becoming a mum doesn't change this, its just your job that changes and the environment (home and village hall baby groups). Maybe we are called 'Career mums'.
I also think that being an older mum Generation X (I was 38 when I gave birth) has its pressures, not only was I constantly tired, I had standards to uphold that I had set myself. These standards are probably due to the fact that I had a long career behind me and its inbred in me. I wanted to be a stay at home mum (SAHM) I wanted to do the best job I could.
Yes you heard it right, geriatric mum. I had no idea until I just googled it now, I knew their was a medical term for mums over 35 having a child, but wasn't expecting that insult.
This blog is mainly about the adverse effects of becoming a mum later in the life, and the feelings it may bring upon you like loss of identity
I am writing this blog, as I feel that it is possible, that many other geriatric mums may have experienced similar to me, but have kept it to themselves, thinking they were alone. After all, we are strong women, perhaps we were in management in our previous lives, and had to deal with many difficult situations in our careers, so we are likely to not admit we are struggling, or totally out of focus.
I think the anxiety that I was diagnosed with in 2016 was down to becoming a parent.
Prior to having my daughter in 2010, I was a free spirit, with humour, living life to the max, motto being, work hard, play hard.

For me being an older mum, exhausted me, and changed my whole outlook on myself. By the time you are in your mid 30's, you are fully developed woman, possibly with 10 - 20 years career behind you. If you gained qualifications be it professional or academic, you may even be regarded as an expert in your field. So to then become a mum, in particular a 'stay at home' mum, your whole purpose in life is turned on its head, and your identity stripped from you.
Don't get me wrong, this is what I wanted, when I was in my 20's, I wanted to get a career behind me first, then I could easily go back to work once I had a baby. Although this idea changed in the run up to being pregnant, I wanted to stay at home and look after my child, and fortunately for us our finances allowed this.
I don't regret this decision one moment, I totally made the right choice for me and my family, and I cherished many moments being a new mum, but, it was tough at times, and probably tougher when I came out of the other side (of full time care) and she started full time school.

Sleep deprivation killed me, after 3 - 4 months she was sleeping from 11 - 7.00 am so i was lucky really. but I don't think I have ever recovered from it mentally. I can sleep for England, and relish opportunities to do so at my leisure. Broken sleep, and lack of sleep was so tough. I remember and occasion when she was bout 6 months, I sat on our front step and said to Rich, please remind me how tough this is, although, we already knew she would would be our only one. We were blessed with a beautiful, perfect, happy baby at my age of 38, I wouldn't have risked have another anyway.

I made sure she ate all the right foods, I would stress if she didn't eat, I wanted to mobilise her and socialise her. I wanted to educate her and entertain her without use of the T.V. I think the entertaining part is a modern day obsession, we feel we have to entertain our children 24/7, taking them to this group and that soft play, swimming, baby music, constructing our dining tables into Mr.Maker. Our parents didn't have time for this as more women started to work in the 1970's.
As the experts say, I slept when the baby slept, and by the time she was 2 and starting to drop her afternoon kip, I was 'shitting' myself. I relished those afternoons, on my bed, cuddling my toddler, it was 'our' time, and my time, giving me the energy to finish the day. I panicked, how am I going to get thriugh this? how can I occupy her with no energy. I set to writing a list (we are big note takers and list writers me and Rich ), of all the extra things we could do in an afternoon.

Mia started full time school in 2015, and I think this maybe where my anxiety came from. I was excited at the prospect at having more time to concentrate on myself and my sewing business. I spent a lot of my time rushing round, doing things, making as many things as I could. I felt that my creative needs would be met once again, and be myself other than 'just a mum'.
I could also spend more time focusing on activism, in particular anti-fracking. I think at the height of my hysteria, I was managing about 4 Facebook groups, and 4 twitter (possibly more). This soon got out of hand so I started to drop from a few commitments, but then I would end up adding to this by starting other ventures like a Newbury craft group, and the Kennet and Avon boat traders East End group.
I spent a lot of hours in particular on social media spreading information about fracking, otherwise known a s a keyboard warrior. Yes, I did get physically involved too, but as most of the sites were a long way from where I live, most of my activism was online. Constantly seeing the horror stories of the environment, and watching people live on Facebook, being harassed by the police, was a daily, sometimes hourly occurrence for me, no wonder I got down and anxious.More recently I cut down to my own business stuff, Friends of The Earth and a local community group. Maybe my problem is that I have to be involved with something all of the time, I need projects. So I need to find a way of managing this so I don't over whelm myself.

Me and Joey released from the nick Oct 18

When I speak to other mums that are a similar age to me from educated back grounds that are SAHMs, and they have all expressed that have, or had a form of depression around this time. The job of being a full time mum, to being a part time one can be a difficult transition.
I finally broke during Easter, I just couldn't cope anymore, the last straw was when I started staring blankly into space, feeling numb, and incredibly low. I was sleeping a lot, and didn't want to join the outside world (very unlike me as I have always been an extrovert.
I went to the doctors, who offered me meds, but l declined, thinking that if I came off the pill (getting a bit old for it anyway) and had a coil fitted and some therapy I would be fine.
The moral of this story is that I wasn't fine. Eventually I went onto Citalapram. The first week or two were bad, I was worse than ever, luckily a good friend told me this is usual and just to ride the wave. I could barely get out of bed to take Mia to school. After a couple of months I was good, functioning again, but made the mistake of stopping taking them, and I did it quite fast. So, a couple of months down the lie I was ill again. Now I am still taking them, and hopefully, I will eventually ween off them, veeeery sloooooooooowly, and if I don't, I don't. As long as I am happy and in control of my emotions, I will do what it takes. Who knows, I might even be Peri-Meni!! (Pre-menopausal)

By the way, I also embraced mediation on my road to wellness, and believe it is an excellent form of well being. This blog is also part of my well being, I love writing, whether its journaling or poetry, it gets the thoughts I have racing around out of my mind, and hopefully, you may have gained something from my sharing. Please make a comment in the box at the bottom, I would love to hear from you.
Finally its Mother Day in the UK today. I was planning to go and have a lovely meal out, but as the Corona Virus has hit the UK, we can't do that now so here's what I'm hoping for
1) Richard and Mia can go to town and buy me a paper and try to find bread!!
2) Whilst they are out I can meditate
3) I lounge around reading the paper and supplements
4) Share a lovely roast lamb dinner with Richard and Mia and a glass of Sauvignon Blanc (or 2)